The Master of Thoughts – Fear

10 Mar

I know a lot of people who won’t do things simply because they’re scared of it. It’s this fear that has paralyzed them and has ultimately held them back from attaining the joys of success. For example, my mother hates confrontation. She will avoid it at all cost. When I had decided that I was going to move to Italy I had asked her if she could watch my dog. She agreed and everything was a go. We were both excited. She loved my decision and I felt the relief of not having to worry about my dog while I’d be gone. My days became busier, with school (getting my overseas teaching certificate), researching, selling off my belongings and whole lot more that I didn’t realize that my mom had suddenly disappeared. She stopped answering her phone. When she did pick up, we’d talk for about 30 seconds then she’d let me go. I began to worry. Since I am her son, I’ve grown to know her very well. So yesterday I tried to phone her, and to my surprise she picked up. To show how long it had been since we last spoke she didn’t know that I had enrolled for my teaching course. I filled her in about the classes and the new information I had gained since our last conversation. Then the shoe dropped. She wouldn’t be able to take my dog. Her boyfriend was dead against it. 
I was furious. How dare she? Suddenly all the excitement I had about this trip slowly dripped away and panic, saddness and worry surfaced. What am I going to do with my best friend? She was the only person I could trust with my dog.  
That was last night. Today, is a new day. I’m sitting in a cafe in Toronto working on my blog and will soon work on my novel. THAT’S THE POINT! Life goes on and things change. I have never been able to depend on my mom for anything in my adult life. It’s not that she’s a selfish person…she’s just a coward. She’s uneducated and scared. In a way I need to thank her for this. It’s her fear that has always pushed me not to be scared of anything. This is why I’m moving to Italy because it’s scary and exciting at the same time. It’s her fear that I blog –  I refuse to be invisible. And it’s her fear that I won’t miss out on an opportunity to live out a dream!

I don’t know what’s going to happen to my beloved best friend but what I do know is that I’m intelligent and compassionate. I won’t let anything bad happen to him. He will live a good life with the right family. As for my relationship with my mom…there’s nothing to say. I know her a little too well. The dream of having a good mother died a long time ago and I expect nothing from her. This is who she is. This is who I am. Without her I wouldn’t exist and if she wasn’t a coward I would have been.


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