Archive | January, 2010

younger guy, love, and the bitch who will be the knife in my back

24 Jan

I’m sitting at the dining room table with my Blackberry in hand typing this out. My laptop died. Meh. But this isn’t why I’m posting this. 3 months ago (I think this time line is a safe guesstamation) I met the most interesting teenager who caught my interest and now my heart. He’s bisexual, 18 years old and extremely smart. Before the mental images start swirling in your head I’d like to go on record by saying he’s really hot. He’s also the one who initiated all this. We have an open relationship because of his age. I’d never want to be the one who robbed him of experiences. He also has a strong attraction to girls but has said that he’s only been attracted to me and this other guy his entire life.
Part of me, the adult man, is screaming to stop this. But the other part, much louder btw, is encouraging this. I see the hope and reality in being with him. I’ve witnessed his beautiful confidence grow, our conversations deepening and I’m smiling more these days. This conflict is exhausting. It’s almost like I’m encouraging an unhappy ending. In some cases, it’s easier to be miserable than to just be happy with my life.
I am happy with him. It feels like I’m part of something. My friends have joined forces to answer my questions so I can help him. He and I talk daily either in person or via txt. He knows I talk about him and the reasons why I do it. “It’s cool you are telling me this stuff.” He said the other night.
“I don’t want you to ever think I’m not on your side.” I replied. It’s true. Very true.
But when he’s not around, it sometimes he’s like I’m doing things to distract myself until we meet again. Distractions are good when productive which I have been. My novel is finally finished and now I’m focused on query letter writing. My apartment has never looked this great not to mention spotless. And my work ethic has doubled. But all of this is for him. My home is his. My book is something I want him to be proud of too. And if I work hard I’ll advance quicker and give him the life he deserves. Am I crazy?
I hate to admit this but I’m falling in love with him. “I don’t know how I feel about you.” I said the other night, “I’ve never felt this way about someone.”
“Yea I know what you mean.” He smiled and leaned in closer to me.
He waits for my reactions but sometimes (which is turning into more often) he’ll whip out something like, “I prefer making love to you than fucking. Fucking just sounds wrong.”
On the 31st of January this girl he’s been talking to will be moving to Toronto. It’s really hard to think about this much less write it out. I’ll try my best. I’m jealous that she’ll be taking up most of his time. I’m worried that what we have will widdle away into nothing. It could happen. But I won’t stop it. I can’t. No matter how much it hurts if she’s the one who makes him happy than I have no other choice but to stand back and move on.
I’m going to post more often on here about this. Send me comments.

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