Archive | August, 2010

Plentoffish discussion: Do gay older younger relationships work?

17 Aug

I came across this post on Plentoffish.com:

he message you are replying to:
Posted By: davidcassidy on 3/4/2007 10:10:05 AM
Subject: do gay older younger relationships work?
Message: I would like to know your opinion as I have had my heart broken by a guy too young for me (i know that in my heart of hearts) as tweenty plus age gap and he not even 20.
I just miss him and the friendship and chats we use to have. Its not the sex or adulation either. I have lived a very sedate life and not ventured on the scene as such. He just seemed to be my kindred spirit and I could and I though he could to chat about everything.
It lasted 1 year and then he just ditched me over something so trivial it does not worth mentioning. I begged him to retain friendship but he has refused even that. I was his first, and I guess he thought he was in love.
I miss and love him so much even though he cut all ties 5 months ago. I guess there is knowing going back I would be only too happy to have contnued as a friend its what I do best. London is not a good place to be gay if you are not out and about, I have found few genuine people and of course this boy was based outside London.
I say boy as that is what he is but so mature in all he said and outlook I wish we could of met and the years be even. I built hime up and I have been left low and deflated but I should of known and not got so attached. Mid life crisis who knows but I have never felt about anyone as I did him .

*****

Of course I had to give the guy my two cents and here’s what I wrote:

You left out why he stormed out and has since cut off all ties. You said: ‘It lasted 1 year and then he just ditched me over something so trivial it does not worth mentioning.’ Maybe it was a big deal to him. Sometimes when someone finds themselves dating younger they tend to think that they’re on the same page… mentally. Life experience – the most important ingredient to any relationship, and to a healthy adult – is what happened here but it wasn’t HIS lack of it but yours. You said it as clear as day: His problem wasn’t worth mentioning. You blew off the issue as if it didn’t matter. It did matter…TO HIM! Whether he’s 16, 19 or 34 the guy had the right to be heard, had the right to bring the issue up and discuss. You, it seems, were only thinking of yourself and as a result suffer the loneliness your deserve.

It’s hard medicine but my opinion. The guy (the younger one) wanted to be with you hence why it lasted a year. Maybe if you were more attentive to his feelings (remember, you’re the one with the life experience and could have offered more guidance) it would have lasted longer. But, as the old saying goes: People come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Take this relationship as the learning experience it was meant to be: if you love him, listen to him. If you care, do something that shows it. And be honest to yourself and that special guy.

P.S. To all the douche bags leaving stupid comments about how wrong it is to love someone younger listen up! Age, whether you’re 16 or 46, doesn’t automatically give you the right to be right. In most cases, the older we get the dumber we become. Also, maybe this relationship was a healthy one – for a while. I have a lot of friends where the age gap is 12 years to 15 years. Personally I’ve dated guys 10 years younger than myself and 20 years older… each relationship was special and beautiful and worth being part of… no regrets and only happy memories!

Please post your comments and opinions about age gaps in relationship. Does it matter how old the person is? You can also post your comment on Phunkybrat Facebook group page.

Coming Out of the Closet

6 Aug

How to come out as a gay or lesbian teen:

So you’re a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender teen, and you haven’t told anybody yet. It’s okay. Being GLBT is great. And, admit it, the closet isn’t always a good place to be. This how-to is here to help you pull yourself out in a fairly painless fashion. With the help provided in this how to, we can all become better people through unity.

1)    Make sure you’re sure of your sexual orientation. If you’re still trying to figure it out, it’s not the best time to start telling people. Only if you’ve reached the point at which you know and have accepted that you’re gay or bisexual should you consider telling others. This is the crucial step. If you are not sure if you are gay but you tell everyone you are, it will lead to trouble further down the road.

2)    Start with close friends. You can always know that your closest friends are more likely to be the ones who accept you. Who knows, maybe one of your friends even likes you themselves!

3)    Come right out with your statement. Beating around the bush or dodging the subject will A) scare your friend/family member or, B) give the impression that you’re ashamed. Instead, simply make your statement calmly and then discuss as necessary. Example: “Hey, bro, I called you here because I have something important to share with you. I’m gay.” Or “I’m so lucky to have a good friend like you that I can confide in. I’ve been going through something and I’m hoping I’ll be able to count on you for your friendship and support once I let you know that I’m a lesbian.” Don’t try to cushion it too much. Let them know it’s important to you, and then just take a deep breath and say it.

4)    Allow time to process and assimilate this revelation. Some family members and/or friends may need a little time to get used to the idea. Be gentle with them and give them time to come around. Remember, you didn’t just wake up one day and say, “Wow, I’m gay.” It took even you awhile to come to the realization.

5)    Understand that this is something that will have a HUGE impact on certain aspects of your life. Some friends may need to detach for a while. Some family members may act differently toward you. Others will be drawn to you. Things will change, but if you are patient and don’t try to force the issue – while at the same time, refusing to suppress or deny it – there’s a good change those changes will end up being very positive.

6)    Live ‘out’ with being in people’s faces about it. It’s great once you’re out, because then people are aware from the beginning of your relationship of who you are – there is no difficult “revelation” later on. But flaming around is only really funny and entertaining on TV or amongst other gays. Try to act naturally and as you normally always have. As more people in your social circle come to know you as an LGBT Teen, you’ll have less explaining to do.

7)    Be able and willing to discuss your orientation with sincerely interested individuals. Of course, you shouldn’t put up with jerks that just want to harass and humiliate you or make you the butt of jokes. But if, for example, a jock makes a joke, like “Don’t touch me, I might catch the gay.” And you respond with, “Well, my brother thinks he’s gay now. Maybe it is catching.” You can say, “Oh, wow, was it a big surprise to you? Do your folks know?” and if he is receptive to talking, you may turn this into a good thing for all of you. “Would it help to let him know he could talk to me?” might make the jock feel a lot more kindly toward both you and his brother, and toward gays in general. That’s the way we help move others toward tolerance and acceptance.

8)    If you want to get involved with the GLBT community, wait for your friends and family get used to your coming-out.

NOTE:

–       Bringing up gay issues from time to time before coming out as gay can help prepare people – seeing something on the news about same-sex marriage can spark a discussion and give you a chance to gauge how your friends or family feel about homosexuality.

–       If you think that anybody you come out to might not take the news too well, write some sort of script for yourself. Prepare for the worst-care scenario. It can be difficult to ad-lib if you’re facing criticism or adverse reaction.

–       If your orientation causes you to be teased or bullied, stay strong.

–       Make sure you are certain of yourself first. Nothing is worse than coming out of the closet as bi only to discover later you are actually gay. There is no rush on your sexuality – no time limit. Take your time to be certain before you shout your pride from the rooftops. Coming out once is hard enough, and the more time you ‘come out’ the easier it is.

–       Talk to other lesbian, gay, or bisexual people around your age online who have come out and ask them for advice. Or post a bulletin asking for advice anonymously. Others who have been through a similar situation can offer tips on how to do it – and possibly how to deal with any bad reactions there may be.

–       Only you can say who you are. Never be afraid to be yourself.

–       Don’t be defined by a label. You can choose what you call yourself, but remember that labels are superficial things that humans make up to categorize.

–       Remember that sexual orientation is only one of many characteristics that define one’s identity. A gay businessman may have virtually nothing in common with a gay artist. Don’t become a “PG” (Professional Gay) or let your sexual orientation become your primary identity.

WARNING:

It is great to be proud of who you are, but be careful as well. Unfortunately, we do not live in a world where everyone unconditionally accepts each other for who we are. Stay safe. If you are in an area or situation where you feel unsafe, leave it. If you are someplace you can’t leave (such as school) and feel unsafe, try to always have a friend with you and let authority figures know immediately of any mistreatment and definitely of any harm. Being hospitalized is far worse than being ousted.

How to figure out your sexual orientation

6 Aug

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I found this article on www.plantout.com . Figuring out your sexual orientation is difficult and if you’re from a small town or from a religious background, this part of your life may be really hard to figure out.

1)    Know that if you realize you are gay or bisexual, you are not alone. There are many, many gay people in each community, and many people are supportive. Your parents, friends, teachers, or other people in your life may be supportive, if you feel comfortable talking about this with them.

2)    Understand that questioning your sexual orientation does not make you automatically gay – many who question their sexual orientation come to the conclusion that they are straight. On the other hand, you may realize you are gay or bisexual.

3)    Seek out gay people or others who are questioning and talk to them. Attend support groups in your community (you can often do this anonymously). Some communities even have non-profit organizations dedicated to helping questioning young people. Look online for resources. Also, you can check out online resources for message boards, chat rooms, and advice pages. These are all anonymous.

4)    Seek help if you are in school, talk to a school counselor, whose job it is to help you through issues. These counselors typically are not required to tell your parents what you tell them unless you are a danger to yourself or others, but if you are uncomfortable, ask them not to share the conversation with anyone. This might not be a good idea if you go to a conservative religious school, if your counselor decides that it’s more important for you to conform to a theological prohibition against homosexuality than it is for you to find the truth about yourself, or for you to be happy.

5)    If you are experiencing a conflict between your religious beliefs and the possibility that you might not be exclusively heterosexual, consider the following:

–       Many religions make a distinction between inclination and action. In the same way that it’s ok to get angry but not ok to hurt people when you are angry, some religions consider it ok to have a homosexual inclination, as long as one does not commit homosexual acts.

–       Many religions have ‘welcoming’ congregations, which generally hold the same beliefs as mainstream congregations, but are culturally or theologically accepting of LGBT people. Many LGBT are religious or spiritual.

–       You may want to confidentially talk to someone who shares similar beliefs to yours, but whom you know will be accepting no matter what you find out in the end about yourself (such as a leader or member of a welcoming congregation, or religious LGBT support organization). Even if you don’t agree with them, they may be able to help you to better understand both yourself and your faith.

–       If you realize that you are gay, lesbian or bisexual and talk to friends and family members if and when you are ready and feel comfortable and safe. They can be great supports, and many people who you might think would be not supportive might be very understanding.

NOTE:

–       Never do anything that doesn’t feel right or that you really don’t want to do “just to find out”.

–       Online resources can be a great source of information, and online message boards can be very useful in connecting you with other questioning people.

–       Remember that stereotypes are just that. Not all gay men worship Madonna or can throw a good brunch or go to the gym every week. Just like not all straight men are macho, not all straight women stay home all day and take care of the house and kids. There’s nothing that qualifies you or anything else for a particular sexual orientation other than being attracted to people of a certain gender. Also, remember that Pride parades are not necessarily representative of everyday life for most gay people, any more than a Halloween party is a representative of life for people in general.

–       If you’re uncertain or fearful about what it would be like to be a member of a sexual minority, the best way to deal with that is to meet people who are in that minority. You’ll probably find that most of them seem about as normal as anyone else.

–       Just because someone is attracted to some people of a particular gender, doesn’t mean they’re attracted to everyone of that gender. There are ugly and obnoxious people of all genders and orientations.

–       Not everyone of a particular orientation is going to be attracted to you. Tastes differ. Most people in most everyday circumstances are being friendly or professional, not sexual. Nightclubs are a different story.

–       If you don’t want to, you don’t have to label yourself at all. You like whom you like, and leave it at that. You can tell people that, and it’s polite for them not to read too much into that. It may help to think of sexual orientation as a spectrum, rather than in black and white terms. Or to think of yourself as loving just people, not just their gender.

Warnings:

–       Practice safe sex at all times. The conflicting and confusing emotions that may accompany the realization that you are GLBT can make it difficult to act rationally when presented with your first same sex experience. Take care of yourself, and try to NOT be intoxicated when you are exploring your sexuality.

–       Do not hide from your potentially negative feelings about your sexual orientation in drugs or alcohol. Substance abuse will only make accepting yourself more difficult than it may already be.

–       Choose your friends wisely, do not befriend other GLBT people simply because you have just discovered that you are GLBT yourself. Seek out caring, supportive, levelheaded people within the community who share your interests.

–       Do not shut out the straight world or your straight friends. Sexual orientation is not the most important thing about a person. It is healthy to develop and maintain relationships with a diverse group of people.