Life in the closet. A Gay Man Looking Back

9 Sep

Wow the last year has been filled with introductions of fabulous people from all over the world. Some are girls but most are from guys hoping for an answer to their problem. Most of them want to know what it was like to come out but mostly they want to know why I did it. There’s no clear answer because there were many. I could be responsible and say I came out to love a guy or finally live the life I was meant to live and it would all be true. But the biggest reason I came out was to have sex with another guy. My friend Gary reminded me of this when I opened my email and found a note from him. There was this one night, when I was still in the closet, I was on the computer checking out porn. It wasn’t enough anymore – watching someone else have sex. It was a horrible feeling, a physical pain in the pit of my stomach. That night I realized it was a need (sex with guy) like eating, sleeping and breathing. True I wouldn’t die if I didn’t have sex but life was losing it’s luster.
It was confusing, aside from wanting sex from guys there wasn’t anything more I thought I needed from them. Girls and woman have always given me the emotional fulfillment and if sex with them turned me on I would have copious amounts with them. But knowing better now I can say there was no fulfillment, sexually, with girls. I’d be pretending and I was when I was with them.
Life went from beautiful hues of reds, blues and yellows to black. Music has been huge in my life but at one point the sound of someones happiness made me sick. Everything did, from seeing couples holding hands to groups of guys playing basketball. I was isolating myself because I was so miserable. Who wants to be around that? What was really confusing was that in the middle of all this anger, misery and, let’s face it, fear, I hadn’t made the connection yet.
I thought I was pissed off all the time because school was harder than I thought or my girlfriend was spending too much money all the time or I never had enough money to buy the ‘cool’ that fixed everything.
Then one day I snapped, literally. I didn’t care about my life – was it really mine anyway? I said what I needed to say no matter how scared I was. It was scary, it felt like being on stage in a crowded auditorium in a worn and torn pair of underwear. I was introduced to many guys and had sex with some of them. It wasn’t the fulfillment I was after, but I’d figure all that out after a year of being out of the closet.
That’s what it’s about – learning as you go. Learning what? Well you! Before coming out I wasn’t listening to my heart and what it wanted so how in the world could I give anything? Once I learned how to listen to myself I started making better decisions and the sex definitely got better 😛

This is me.

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