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the monogamists…sort of…

20 Jan

“I’ve done the merry-go-round, I’ve been through the revolving door, I feel like I’ve met somebody that I can stand still with for a minute. Don’t you want to stand still with me?” – Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City, Season 1 episode 7.

Toronto is no different from any other big city on this huge planet. People keep their distance. We introduce ourselves like we’re selling real estate. I’ll Facebook you is the new ‘I’ll call you’. And being thirty is apparently the new twenty…at least this is what I’m told.

In this vast space of a city you would think that an attractive, young thirty-something guy could meet another young thirty-something fella. After all, there’s plenty of fish dot com, gay dot com, and we now have Grindr, a gay GPS to track where all the beautiful men are. Meeting men at your fingertips. Easy right?

True, part of my new year’s resolution is to not date for one year. 365 days of single. I deleted my online dating profiles. Stop making eye contact with cute guys. And stop pretending to be interested in conversations that I’m not really part of anyway. Time to invest in me. My life. I made this decision after a break up…a ditch? Still not sure exactly what to call what happened (he told me he never loved me that I was only a sexual experiment) but it’s over now. As a result, I have all this regret (shut up bitch, there is such a thing as regret. If it doesn’t exist I wouldn’t have any). I learned that I put myself, my life, on hold for my ex and as a result I almost lost myself completely. So I figure one year spent losing myself requires one year gaining an identity.

Am I over thinking? Most Libras would say yes. Thankfully I’m a Capricorn and over thinking is what I do best. But this time I think I bit off more than I can chew. Quitting smoking is easier (another new year’s resolution). I’m keeping distracted with Self-help books, enrolling in a second career program and connecting with friends…well, the ones I have left.

2010 wasn’t the best year, but it wasn’t the worst. When it was good it was great. After all I did fall in love. But when it got bad it was a nightmare. I lost more jobs in one year than I had in my entire career of working. I lost myself completely.

Where’s the balance? Why does it feel like the world has shifted on its axel, knocking some of us on our asses? The world is in a recession and despite the reports on the news that it’s over, more people are still getting laid off. So in the middle of all this chaos why am I writing about finding the one? Insane?

To be honest, part of me screams there’s no such thing as love. That it’s a hallmark greeting to sell a piece of paper. But the young, naive, hopeless romantic in me silently whispers: it does. Don’t give up.

A really hot guy in the television industry once said to me at a trendy club in the Film District, “You can’t find love if your heart’s not open” He said this as he massaged my bottom lip with his finger after sliding his cigar in my mouth for a taste. His words echo in my head like a bad dream after I wake. Is my heart frozen? If so, when did I become this cold person who runs from love instead of toward it?

It reflects like a ray of light off a mirror. People see it, I guess or he wouldn’t have said it. I want to be open. I want to be ready. But every time I try to take a step outside of the refrigerator some idiot will say something completely out of line. First words from a douche bag who didn’t bother to say hi first said, “Are you a top or bottom?” This is the gay introduction. Whether we’ll get along or not. Another snot rag off POF sent me a message before I deleted my profile, “I’ll be single in a month, want to hook up?” Are you for real? And when I refuge to my safe place, my bookstore on Yonge Street, the manager – a 62-year-old plumber, and a scholar in sexually transmitted decreases told me for new year’s he celebrated by hiring a hooker and never wears a condom because he’s a top. What kind of world am I living in?

My hooker friend, yes I have a friend who is a prostitute. But the agreement to our friendship is that he stay in school or the deal is off. He’s getting his PhD in sexuality and in my eyes justifies what he is doing. If it weren’t for school he’d just be a whore…not cool. Anyhow, we smoked a joint after a beer and told me more about his life. He has three boyfriends, five booty-calls and 10-clients. His life is literally a merry-go-round of sex. How he doesn’t shit himself when he sneezes is beyond me. But I don’t judge. It’s his life. However I am part of it.When we’re together we sneak off to the dark corners of earth and laugh and pretend we ‘get’ each other. In a way I do get him. Sex is a game. It’s a job. It’s fun. It’s dirty. It’s fascinating.

If this real life or am I dreaming? When did I become so out of touch with reality that people shock me? And when did I make myself so forgettable?

I use shopping as therapy. I downloaded songs and movies as a rebellious attempt to screw the system but all I’m left with are CD’s with scratched words with black marker. My friend, the Hooker, says that I shouldn’t think about love because it doesn’t exist. In Montreal, where he’s from, people don’t bother to look for love that it apparently lands on their laps. Sex he says is a Toronto thing and if I’m looking for more I need to look else where.

So I shop and wear fancy clothes in my apartment in downtown Toronto. Turned off. Single. And I watch Sex and the City off a burned DVD. People say I’m Carrie Bradshaw but I think it’s only because I’m a writer. I’m not as cool or as smooth or even as cute as she is. In her own dysfunction she knows who she is. What she wants. I don’t. Not anymore. I’m so dizzy from 2010 that 2011 is about making sure I don’t throw up all over it.

If my friend Laura was reading this she’d probably say, “You’re so dramatic sweety, have a drink.” But I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to get drunk. I want to stand still with someone at 3am and as the January chill blows past but not be cold. I’d smile back at Laura and say, “Sure where do you want to meet?” I ignore my wants and agree because this is what I do. It’s company. It’s a Toronto thing to be out and about and not be captive at home because you never who you might meet.

“In a city with infinite options there’s no better feeling than knowing you only have one.” – Sex and the City.


Updates: Conor SouthpawBrown, Social Networking, life on Emerson Ave

26 Nov

After getting laid off from the Broadcast sector of television and bouncing around ever since, trying to stabilize my life , I can say that I’ve made my decision and moving towards a healthy future in Social Networking. My first client, Conor SouthpawBrown an upcoming Toronto DJ and I have been brainstorming ideas for 2011…it will be fun.

My book is done…No matter what it’s finished and I’ll be independently selling it in 2011.  The writer’s block was killer but the story, overall is great. If you have joined my facebook page you really should. It’s filled with information and soon I’ll be listing show dates.

Great news my youtube channel has reached 201 subscribers. Thank you Thank you Thank you! I’m planning tons for the new year so keep on watching!

don’t forget to follow my on twitter

My Life: a rocky horror zoo birthday whores with crutches

6 Nov

Finally I have a chance to blog. It seems when there is change in my life all things go to shit. The new job is working out really good and I feel that soon I’ll be able to go back to school for culinary management. The only thing I need to decide on is whether I’m going back part time or full. The writing project Life on Emerson Ave is slowly getting done. Again, the job change and long hours have me sleeping a lot more than usual.

This morning while drinking my coffee I was watching the news when this news story came on. It’s so crazy that I need to post a link about it on my facebook and now on my blog.

Haloween was great. Shana and I went to see Rocky Horror Picture Show with a live performance at the Bloor Cinema. Omg, can I say it was great? It was.

The audience threw toilet paper at each other, sprayed water, shouted profanity, and a lot of sexy guys. The crew Excited Mental State did a smashing job.

Don’t forget to check out this week’s top 4 songs from around the world. This week I’ve chosen Denmark’s Charts.

Before I forget, a big shout out to my bestest pal and little bro Ron. He turned 26 yrs old last week so me and our mutual friend Laura took him to the Toronto Zoo. It was great, we got stoned and walked around while kids, dressed up for Halloween, ran around shouting at the animals.


Finally, I’ve been catching up with my Youtube subscriptions and finished watching Kathy Griffin’s Whores On Crutches. OMG you have to watch it…so good!

a day in my life

12 Oct


walking home from Kensington Market


Happy Thanksgiving to all my Canadian readers and Happy National Coming Out Day! YAYYYY! Wow there’s so much to cover, first off another career change. I’m now working at the Lakeview Restaurant over at Dundas and Ossington in Toronto. There’s also another interview coming up and I’m curious to see what that place has to offer. The great thing about all of this has been my attitude. I never once panicked or went down the shame spiral but rather looked at all of this as a great chance to try something new and meet people along the way. As it turns out I was only unemployed before people started calling. All I have to say is: Be Proactive and pay close attention.

I really wish I had news that my book was finally done but I can’t. After months of revisions I am revising once more but I will say this, I’m so close that I can almost taste it. In the meantime, have you checked out my collage blog I posted on September 10th? Here it is in case you missed it. friend Sojin Chun invited me out the day before Thanksgiving to the Flash Forward Festival in Liberty Village. Check out the pictures I took for Sojin.

Thanksgiving was spend with my bud Ben and his husband Rob and their friend but I can’t remember his name. After working my first shift I booked my ass home, changed as quick as possible and made my way over to their place. Rob is the Supervisor of the kitchen over at the Mariott  Hotel downtown Toronto. I believe he has his Red Seal and was insisting that I go ahead and get mine. I’m looking into it but like always I move at my own pace so leave me alone. Cooking aside from writing is a great love of mine. I know we’ve seen it all before in the single’s profiles of dating sites: I love cooking! As Elaine says, “Good you better or else you’d die!”

Social? I’ve been meeting guys here and there but I haven’t felt anything except a liking for them as friends only. Grindr, the Iphone app, is amazing! It’s basically a GPS that tracks other Grindr users within kilometers of you. If anything as I see it, I’ve had great conversation with some cool guys and of course some booty on the side 😛

I’ve been helping Elaine out with her blog, she’s a great story teller and it’s fun working with her on this project. When together I ask questions and type her answers down, other times I’m strictly typing and listening to the story. What can I say I’m a proud nerd.

Before I forget I’ve been getting tons of emails about when my next video is going to be posted. I have no idea when it will be but I promise I’ll get to it when I’m back on my feet. the holidays are coming up and Frank really wants to go away…far far away. Don’t know where yet but I’ll keep you posted.

Mastering the Art of inspiration

10 Sep

Here are a few more collages I’ve been working on. They’re really great for working through writer’s block project.
Life on Emerson Ave
Frank Giansante

When I was young and stupid but really cute!

9 Sep

I found these photos of me and my friends on msn. I had totally forgotten them (the pics I mean) but I’m so happy they’ve reappeared. Looking through them I’m reminded that I was such a clown, a hog for attention and of course really pretty 😛

Anyhow sharing them with you is awesome and I hope you like them.

Personal updates: promise to try

5 Sep

Its no co incidence that every September something life changing happens in my life. Well, for starters I’m seeing someone – I know! Its really early to say but if last night is a window into what tomorrow will be like with him all I have to say is sign me up for life! We talked about getting together over the weekend and last night, at around midnight I get a msg on my Grindr – an iPhone app. Its basically a GPS that let’s you know where the gays are around your area. It’s great, chatting is really easy. You’re able to view photos and a brief (more like a couple of words to capture a moment – think twitter) and away you go. This is where I met Mr Right. This is all I’m willing to talk about but may gush more on a later date.

I finally got myself the iPhone 4. For years, since the launch of the very first iPhone, had I wanted one but for whatever reason I settled for crappy phone. Despite what the news is saying I haven’t encountered a single problem with my phone. Browsing the Internet is just like surfing from a laptop (almost) and typing is a breeze. There are no dropped calls but the most amazing part of this phone is the endless amount of apps. Let’s face it I love anything that simplifies my life, entertains me and keeps me social not to mention something that introduces me to new people. the camera shoots clear beautiful photos. I haven’t shot any video yet but I can promise that once I get my hands on the iMovie app I’ll start shooting and edit youtube videos from my phone. Btw, I’m writing this entry from the wordpress app.

Work life has improved. We agreed to move me from back of house at the restaurant that I work at to the front. More experience is what I’m looking for not to mention making a little more money. I’m really looking forward to the change.

Posting youtube videos has been slow, I know but it’s not because i’ve run out of ideas. As most of you know I’m writing a series of 3 books which has been consuming me but I promise to post an update soon.

Other than that life is rolling along and things are looking up. College kids are congesting the streets of Toronto for another semester of school. The heatwave seems to be behind us and the TIFF festival is about to start. Speaking of festivals I really can’t wait for nuit Blanche. For those who have never been to Nuit Blanche it’s an all night festival when the city of Toronto turns into a stage for the livings arts. Everywhere you turn is eye catching and thought provoking and people are everywhere. It’s definitely one of my favorite nights of the year.