I ❤ being gay
“I’ve done the merry-go-round, I’ve been through the revolving door, I feel like I’ve met somebody that I can stand still with for a minute. Don’t you want to stand still with me?” – Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City, Season 1 episode 7.
Toronto is no different from any other big city on this huge planet. People keep their distance. We introduce ourselves like we’re selling real estate. I’ll Facebook you is the new ‘I’ll call you’. And being thirty is apparently the new twenty…at least this is what I’m told.
In this vast space of a city you would think that an attractive, young thirty-something guy could meet another young thirty-something fella. After all, there’s plenty of fish dot com, gay dot com, and we now have Grindr, a gay GPS to track where all the beautiful men are. Meeting men at your fingertips. Easy right?
True, part of my new year’s resolution is to not date for one year. 365 days of single. I deleted my online dating profiles. Stop making eye contact with cute guys. And stop pretending to be interested in conversations that I’m not really part of anyway. Time to invest in me. My life. I made this decision after a break up…a ditch? Still not sure exactly what to call what happened (he told me he never loved me that I was only a sexual experiment) but it’s over now. As a result, I have all this regret (shut up bitch, there is such a thing as regret. If it doesn’t exist I wouldn’t have any). I learned that I put myself, my life, on hold for my ex and as a result I almost lost myself completely. So I figure one year spent losing myself requires one year gaining an identity.
Am I over thinking? Most Libras would say yes. Thankfully I’m a Capricorn and over thinking is what I do best. But this time I think I bit off more than I can chew. Quitting smoking is easier (another new year’s resolution). I’m keeping distracted with Self-help books, enrolling in a second career program and connecting with friends…well, the ones I have left.
2010 wasn’t the best year, but it wasn’t the worst. When it was good it was great. After all I did fall in love. But when it got bad it was a nightmare. I lost more jobs in one year than I had in my entire career of working. I lost myself completely.
Where’s the balance? Why does it feel like the world has shifted on its axel, knocking some of us on our asses? The world is in a recession and despite the reports on the news that it’s over, more people are still getting laid off. So in the middle of all this chaos why am I writing about finding the one? Insane?
To be honest, part of me screams there’s no such thing as love. That it’s a hallmark greeting to sell a piece of paper. But the young, naive, hopeless romantic in me silently whispers: it does. Don’t give up.
A really hot guy in the television industry once said to me at a trendy club in the Film District, “You can’t find love if your heart’s not open” He said this as he massaged my bottom lip with his finger after sliding his cigar in my mouth for a taste. His words echo in my head like a bad dream after I wake. Is my heart frozen? If so, when did I become this cold person who runs from love instead of toward it?
It reflects like a ray of light off a mirror. People see it, I guess or he wouldn’t have said it. I want to be open. I want to be ready. But every time I try to take a step outside of the refrigerator some idiot will say something completely out of line. First words from a douche bag who didn’t bother to say hi first said, “Are you a top or bottom?” This is the gay introduction. Whether we’ll get along or not. Another snot rag off POF sent me a message before I deleted my profile, “I’ll be single in a month, want to hook up?” Are you for real? And when I refuge to my safe place, my bookstore on Yonge Street, the manager – a 62-year-old plumber, and a scholar in sexually transmitted decreases told me for new year’s he celebrated by hiring a hooker and never wears a condom because he’s a top. What kind of world am I living in?
My hooker friend, yes I have a friend who is a prostitute. But the agreement to our friendship is that he stay in school or the deal is off. He’s getting his PhD in sexuality and in my eyes justifies what he is doing. If it weren’t for school he’d just be a whore…not cool. Anyhow, we smoked a joint after a beer and told me more about his life. He has three boyfriends, five booty-calls and 10-clients. His life is literally a merry-go-round of sex. How he doesn’t shit himself when he sneezes is beyond me. But I don’t judge. It’s his life. However I am part of it.When we’re together we sneak off to the dark corners of earth and laugh and pretend we ‘get’ each other. In a way I do get him. Sex is a game. It’s a job. It’s fun. It’s dirty. It’s fascinating.
I use shopping as therapy. I downloaded songs and movies as a rebellious attempt to screw the system but all I’m left with are CD’s with scratched words with black marker. My friend, the Hooker, says that I shouldn’t think about love because it doesn’t exist. In Montreal, where he’s from, people don’t bother to look for love that it apparently lands on their laps. Sex he says is a Toronto thing and if I’m looking for more I need to look else where.
So I shop and wear fancy clothes in my apartment in downtown Toronto. Turned off. Single. And I watch Sex and the City off a burned DVD. People say I’m Carrie Bradshaw but I think it’s only because I’m a writer. I’m not as cool or as smooth or even as cute as she is. In her own dysfunction she knows who she is. What she wants. I don’t. Not anymore. I’m so dizzy from 2010 that 2011 is about making sure I don’t throw up all over it.
If my friend Laura was reading this she’d probably say, “You’re so dramatic sweety, have a drink.” But I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to get drunk. I want to stand still with someone at 3am and as the January chill blows past but not be cold. I’d smile back at Laura and say, “Sure where do you want to meet?” I ignore my wants and agree because this is what I do. It’s company. It’s a Toronto thing to be out and about and not be captive at home because you never who you might meet.
“In a city with infinite options there’s no better feeling than knowing you only have one.” – Sex and the City.
Wow the last year has been filled with introductions of fabulous people from all over the world. Some are girls but most are from guys hoping for an answer to their problem. Most of them want to know what it was like to come out but mostly they want to know why I did it. There’s no clear answer because there were many. I could be responsible and say I came out to love a guy or finally live the life I was meant to live and it would all be true. But the biggest reason I came out was to have sex with another guy. My friend Gary reminded me of this when I opened my email and found a note from him. There was this one night, when I was still in the closet, I was on the computer checking out porn. It wasn’t enough anymore – watching someone else have sex. It was a horrible feeling, a physical pain in the pit of my stomach. That night I realized it was a need (sex with guy) like eating, sleeping and breathing. True I wouldn’t die if I didn’t have sex but life was losing it’s luster.
It was confusing, aside from wanting sex from guys there wasn’t anything more I thought I needed from them. Girls and woman have always given me the emotional fulfillment and if sex with them turned me on I would have copious amounts with them. But knowing better now I can say there was no fulfillment, sexually, with girls. I’d be pretending and I was when I was with them.
Life went from beautiful hues of reds, blues and yellows to black. Music has been huge in my life but at one point the sound of someones happiness made me sick. Everything did, from seeing couples holding hands to groups of guys playing basketball. I was isolating myself because I was so miserable. Who wants to be around that? What was really confusing was that in the middle of all this anger, misery and, let’s face it, fear, I hadn’t made the connection yet.
I thought I was pissed off all the time because school was harder than I thought or my girlfriend was spending too much money all the time or I never had enough money to buy the ‘cool’ that fixed everything.
Then one day I snapped, literally. I didn’t care about my life – was it really mine anyway? I said what I needed to say no matter how scared I was. It was scary, it felt like being on stage in a crowded auditorium in a worn and torn pair of underwear. I was introduced to many guys and had sex with some of them. It wasn’t the fulfillment I was after, but I’d figure all that out after a year of being out of the closet.
That’s what it’s about – learning as you go. Learning what? Well you! Before coming out I wasn’t listening to my heart and what it wanted so how in the world could I give anything? Once I learned how to listen to myself I started making better decisions and the sex definitely got better 😛
This is me.
It’s a fact, sex sells and it’s never been more profitable than in the gay community.
I got an email from a 15 year old boy. He asks, “Do you feel that being gay and fat is like the biggest crime ever in the gay world?”
He went on to say that gay and skinny go hand and hand. He also said that when he gets older he wants to date and go clubbing and that in order for all this to happen successfully he needs to be thin.
To answer this question honestly I’ll have to dig into the darker side of life. Yes, in most cases you’ll be accepted if you’re thin and beautiful.
The gay community has so many sub-communities in it. There’s the jock types, the twinks, the leather daddies, drag queens, fems, bosses, Circuit Bois, and then there’s the average guy which I and most guys fall into. It’s hard to limit yourself to a specific group of people…and why would you want to?
Like life, the community has an eclectic array of personality types and body types. When a person first comes out all they’re looking for is acceptance from other gay people. The easiest way to do this is join a group like the jocks or leather daddies. If it works great! but what happens when you don’t fit in?
Gay teens have the highest suicide rate in North America. We also have the highest rate eating disorders, poor outlook on body image and the highest drug addiction. Why?
Think about it, it’s hard coming out to family and friends – you may or may not be accepted. There’s the crap you read about – GOD HATES GAYS! Then there’s the social scene, picture it: a room filled with hot, beautiful, half-naked men! Unfortunately you’re not one of them…or so you think. So you feel.
To answer this question I need to be honest and say this:
Lose weight because you want to look good and feel great! Don’t go looking for acceptance from other people. The only approval you should be looking for is from you.
When did finding love become almost impossible? And when did 90% of the world become freaks? I’m starting to get the impression that if you live in the city it’s almost certain that you’ll be alone and have random sex for the rest of your life…or until your tits are down to your knees and your ass has been stuffed into your socks.
I’m an online dater….enough said? As I see it, it beats the hell out of getting a drink spilt on you at the bar, or having some drugged out freak of nature slurr his way into your bed.
Ok – let’s back the truck up here a moment. I’m not the guy who stands out in a crowd…well I’m sure I do but the guys aren’t thinking marriage material when they see me. Actually I’m not really sure what they’re thinking.
Right – back to online dating. I promised myself that this wasn’t going to be a dis session or a rant but rather an article listing all my questions directioned at you, the reader.
Have you online dated before? If so what has your experience been like? Write me and tell me all about your story.